I was almost having a surreal experience this morning as all my reading from two different parenting books and the Gospel of Mark began honing in on one profound theme: self control.
It was so clear, so cut and dry, yet so humbling and difficult to swallow.
In her book, Yell Less Love More, where Sheila McCraith breaks her own life-altering parent journey, into a 30-day guide, day one is all about admitting the need to change. Her moment of admission came when she realized she was more interested in impressing the world outside her home than she was her own four boys. She went lengths in public to maintain composure and refrain from yelling at her children. But when she thought it was safe and no one was around to hear…the volcano erupted. Then one day the handyman, one of the many she would strive to impress, bore witness to the truth.
In the book When Your Child Has a Strong-Willed Personality by Carl Pickhardt, chapter 4 honed in on parenting methods. Both practical and psychological explanations were given as to why trying to maintain control of your child is the best way to LOSE control of your child. Case in point: yelling at your child to stop yelling. BEHAVIOR SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS. Control the child, parent cannot; influence the child, parent can – and must!
In the fourth chapter of the Gospel of Mark, after Jesus gave His twelve apostles a botany lesson about the word, he throws some other tidbits their way such as “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you – and even more” (Mark 4:24a, NIV). I’m not pretending to be a theologian here, but when I read those words this morning, the picture of me yelling at my daughter to stop yelling popped into my head. And then she yells back at me. A yelling match from hell, as far as I’m concerned. And I’m not proud to say that this has happened.
Raising my voice.
Fighting for control.
I’m feeding myself frustration for breakfast, anger for lunch; and by the time dinner comes around, all there is left to eat is guilt. So upon this negativity I feast. I am being the person I do not want my children to be: prone to emotional outbursts and utterly out of control.
This brings me back to one of the fundamental lessons about communication back in college: the medium is the message.
The words I speak are not devoid of feeling. My kid doesn’t just hear my words, she hears my feelings; and those are what influence her the most. So how do I take this influence and turn it into a godly one? SELF-CONTROL.
I work on myself. I rein myself in when emotions get too hot. I calm myself down. I don’t depend on people around me to get their act together just so I can be normal again. I can’t wait for my kid to stop throwing her fit before I stop throwing my own.
Being a parent means my actions and attitudes are constantly influencing young and fragile minds. I want to feed those minds with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And the only way to do that is to change my own menu first.
But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23, NIV