That’s really been the question of my life since Saturday night.
Saturday night was a pretty normal night. I was finding myself rather content about staying in after a day of rowing practice and napping and catching up with a friend. I was typing away at student reports and decided it would be super nice to get to bed a little earlier and just enjoying my laptop and the rug I was sitting on.
A text message from a friend drew me out of the house for food and some socializing, and it’s always fun to step out into the buzz of Ximen on a Saturday night; so I went out. While I was out, my phone disappeared. (My phone was an iPhone 4.)
It literally disappeared. Did somebody take it? Possibly. Did it fall out of my bag or pocket? Maybe. Was it gone? Definitely.
It was one of those freak moments you have right in the middle of the realization that you’ve lost $500. It was also that freak emotion you experience right before it turns up, allowing you to breathe once more and know that all is well. Unfortunately, my freak moment of emotion stayed. Because it wasn’t turning up. I kept expecting it to, but it didn’t and still hasn’t. It’s gone.
I don’t get angry at things like this right away. I swim around in the idea that this has really happened to me in the first place and THEN sink down to the rock bottom of reality. After staring the facts in the face for a bit, I just get PISSED.
I hit the pissed point last night, after two whole days of hearing other iPhones go off around me, their merry sounds singing of text messages, phone calls, and e-notifications. After two whole days of watching people on their iPhones. After two whole days of feeling uneasy about a first world problem that was plaguing me. (For more on first world problems, you MUST watch this video.) Sitting on the bus, going to work, waking up in the morning – something just didn’t feel right.
What was wrong with me? Am I missing something or am I just hearing silence for the first time? Silence from the noise of constant access to the cyber world of status threads and facebook posts? And is this new sound of silence driving me crazy?
I blogged about my iPhone once. The irony of the whole thing bit me in the face when I re-read the post. Literally devoured me.
This situation is not easy, and I’m by no means close to being used to life without an iPhone. (I’ve been an iPhone user for 4 years, practically ever since the thing was invented.) This is one of those revealing moments in life when you realize you were stuck in the matrix. I’m out of it, and it’s a fight, but I’m no longer trapped. My phone disappearing, as a good friend pointed out, has given me a new kind of freedom; and who despises freedom? But like we all learned from The Matrix, freedom is a battle. Perhaps I have finally begun to fight it. (And don’t get me wrong, it’s not an easy fight.)
In conclusion, I am not missing anything. I am a believer that it is not given to man to know what he needs. My God has provided all my needs since the day I was born; my perspective of His provision has absolutely no say over the truth and timing of God’s power. And quite frankly, that’s final. If I don’t have it, I must not need it; and this is the only sense of comfort and confidence I can claim right now.
It’s all a part of the beautiful irony of being human in a world of nonhuman things.
And I’m slowly but surely warming up to the silence.