a look back :: June 21, 2009, June 23, 2009, July 2, 2009

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This blog is taken from some journal entries I wrote over two years ago now, before I began my new life in Taipei, Taiwan. I was still living and working on the beach in Cannon Beach, Oregon.  

June 21, ’09
Life is beginning to feel rushed and I don’t like it. I need to create some more space for myself. I’ve had so many visitors the past few days. So many people. And now all my roommates are here.


I’m beginning to feel more and more confident in my singleness. Little things continue to confirm it every day. That I like. 


I move to Taiwan this next month. I need to go freak out somewhere. I think I just might go on a very long hike on Tuesday…



June 23, ’09 
Sitting on Crescent Beach, with my back against a boulder, rock formations and the Pacific Ocean invading my line of sight. A boy a few yards ahead has been happily digging in sand, completely enjoying himself, as he constructs a hole he can fit in. Then he plops himself inside of it, wiggles his limbs about, and relaxes. This little boy is so content, having so much, doing what many people hope to do with life. Enjoy it.


Enjoy your life. Have a nice life. Enjoy the beach. Enjoy your day off. Enjoy the snow. Enjoy your meal. Enjoy.

I’m going somewhere across the ocean. That ocean. On the other side of the Pacific Ocean. My soul needs to settle into a physical home for a while. Maybe Taipei will be it. 

My mind is an ocean. The waves of my thoughts crash against the beach of action, where my thoughts try to reach me. The tide of discernment traps my conscience on coves and in caves, where I can’t do anything but the right thing. It’s terrible. It’s beautiful. It’s my mind. 


~

Sitting on a rock somewhere in Ecola State Park. A stream runs past me on the right, fading out into the ocean below. Seagulls relaxing on the ocean-soaked sand. Rock formations creating caves, crevices, cliffs all around. The ocean is stopped by nothing, groping at the limits of the tide. The wind caresses everything with her breath, infusing the air with freshness. 

I wandered away from the people, and this is where my feet brought me. It’s beautiful. The scenery is singing a song that my soul will take with her the rest of my life. 

July 2, ’09
As my departure comes closer, I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry. I hate being the one leaving, but it’s time. I really can’t stay here, and Taiwan is calling my name. I don’t even know why sometimes. 

I figured out what makes a man cry today. What makes any one cry, actually. God is in every Christian. So when we feel how huge is, something breaks. Shatters. And there is nothing that can stop the tears. 


Feeling God comes in many forms, at different times. It could be a smile, a word. It could be lonely, happy, on a hike or run. Anything. But it breaks you, and stops you in your tracks, and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

Some people feel a darkness inside of them. Others a bright light. I want to feel the ocean inside of me, the pull of the tide, the crashing of waves. The rush of the current. 


I feel like I’m disappointing people right now. I feel like there is still unfinished business behind me. I feel like the only way to move on is to get the hell out of here. 
***

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