I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna stop being stylish and start being honest, because the truth is living abroad rocks your world. When you live away from the ones you love, the ones who understand you, the ones who stood by your side from diapers to driving, homesickness just becomes a part of life.
I’m finding myself in this state of existence that almost seems to contradict itself but doesn’t: independent neediness.
What does it mean? The desire to connect with community and feel rooted again and let myself be known takes on a whole new meaning here in Taiwan for me, and I almost feel like it raises the risk level of relationship in my life a few degrees. Here I am, being known, asserting myself – yet the risk is still there. And I don’t know what I was doing thinking I could eliminate that part of my life.
Eliminate the fear, the hurt, the uncomfortable regions of the unknown that one must cross when traveling through the land of relationship.
What was I thinking? Because it’s still there, and it feels even more poignant now that I’m in another country. I’m living abroad, away from home and away from parents – that’s the part that makes me independent. But all the yearnings and desires and the need for someone to link arms with while I’m walking down the sidewalk is still there as well. I’ve been feeling it even more strongly lately with all of my friends. I’m a needy person who just wants to be held at the end of the day, too.
And that is not easy for me to admit.
I’m also making the same mistakes, making the same loop around the forest of emotion and expectation and disappointment, venting in my journal about the good and the bad moments and cursing between the four walls of my bedroom and chasing down dreams that end much too soon under my sheets.
I’ve realized that, even though I’m living in Taiwan now, I’m still me. I’M STILL ME!
Isn’t that good news? I’m just trying to be honest.