a little bit of honesty

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I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna stop being stylish and start being honest, because the truth is living abroad rocks your world. When you live away from the ones you love, the ones who understand you, the ones who stood by your side from diapers to driving, homesickness just becomes a part of life. 
I’m finding myself in this state of existence that almost seems to contradict itself but doesn’t: independent neediness. 
What does it mean? The desire to connect with community and feel rooted again and let myself be known takes on a whole new meaning here in Taiwan for me, and I almost feel like it raises the risk level of relationship in my life a few degrees. Here I am, being known, asserting myself – yet the risk is still there. And I don’t know what I was doing thinking I could eliminate that part of my life.
Eliminate the fear, the hurt, the uncomfortable regions of the unknown that one must cross when traveling through the land of relationship. 
What was I thinking? Because it’s still there, and it feels even more poignant now that I’m in another country. I’m living abroad, away from home and away from parents – that’s the part that makes me independent. But all the yearnings and desires and the need for someone to link arms with while I’m walking down the sidewalk is still there as well. I’ve been feeling it even more strongly lately with all of my friends. I’m a needy person who just wants to be held at the end of the day, too.
And that is not easy for me to admit.
I’m also making the same mistakes, making the same loop around the forest of emotion and expectation and disappointment, venting in my journal about the good and the bad moments and cursing between the four walls of my bedroom and chasing down dreams that end much too soon under my sheets. 
I’ve realized that, even though I’m living in Taiwan now, I’m still me. I’M STILL ME!

Isn’t that good news? I’m just trying to be honest.

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3 thoughts on “a little bit of honesty

  1. You didn't go to Taiwan to change yourself from what I remember. You went to Taiwan to serve, teach, learn, and take in all you can from your two year contract. Change is an interesting thing since their are so many views on it. Especially character change. I will share my view on change. Though you are in another context, your personality and relational style is still you. You would have to erase the whole first quarter of your life in order to change your personality. The way your parents raised you, the habits you formed growing up, and the education you got from crown all created stones to build off of…I wonder how you feel about the permanency of these blocks in your life? I wonder if you are so close to speaking the language that you can get the intimacy you need from relationships in Taiwan? I wonder if you will allow yourself a break to received love from the people you need it from. just some thoughts

  2. Victoria, I have been thinking about you so much lately so I was super excited when you posted a link to this on my fb. I was thinking about Cannon and about how you and I made such a strong connection in such a short period of time there. It may have had to do with close quarters, but it also had to do with both of us running off to the beach for one reason or another…:) I totally understand how you feel. I've been back in Africa the last few months and wondering why I don't feel like everything is perfect. All I wanted was to take off and travel and be back here and LOVE IT. Well, I'm also missing people and wishing they were all in the same place so I could visit that place. Such is life, I suppose. Especially the life of wander lusting, independent, needy people. Love you dear. More than you know. Thanks for sharing this with me.

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